


New York World High: Changing Education One Step at a Time

by agent43



Category: Newsies (1992), Newsies - All Media Types, Newsies!: the Musical - Fierstein/Menken
Genre: Alternate Universe - Crack, Alternate Universe - High School, F/F, Jack Being an Idiot, LITERALLY, M/M, Other Additional Tags to Be Added, and change the office to a high school, and you've got this story, enjoy, imagine the office, mockumentary! au, this fic is pure chaos
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2021-02-26
Updated: 2021-02-26
Packaged: 2021-03-16 22:06:41
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,577
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29707239
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/agent43/pseuds/agent43
Summary: Newsies, but a mockumentary. However chaotic you thought they were, get ready for even more.
Relationships: David Jacobs/Jack Kelly, Other Relationship Tags to Be Added, Racetrack Higgins & Jack Kelly, Sarah Jacobs/Katherine Plumber Pulitzer
Comments: 6
Kudos: 9





	New York World High: Changing Education One Step at a Time

**Author's Note:**

  * For [jumpinjazzcat](https://archiveofourown.org/users/jumpinjazzcat/gifts).



> hello! this is pure crack, and im not sorry

**1 PULITZER’S OFFICE - DAY**

JOSEPH PULITZER, an ugly sort of man in his late 60s, sits in a maroon chair at a desk that is much too grand for a high school. The walls of his dark office are filled with many portraits. The camera zooms in on a painting of Pulitzer sitting on a horse, a sword majestically thrown out in front of him, before focusing back on the man.

PULITZER

Here at New York World High, we all respect each other very much. I pride myself on being able to help children maintain their grades while also being obedient when necessary.

The camera pans over to Pulitzer’s secretary, HANNAH RUEL. She quietly shakes her head no. Back to Pulitzer.

PULITZER

I’m very grateful for this opportunity to be able to show off what a magnificent job our staff and students do. Of course, they wouldn’t be able to accomplish it without me, but that’s what a good leader is here for. Let’s take a look around, shall we?

The camera backs up as Pulitzer gets up. He stands, straightens his jacket, and we follow him as he walks out of his office, Hannah trailing behind him. He swings his door open wide, head held high, ready to face whatever comes. He stops, however, when he sees two teenagers slouched in the seat in front of his office.

PULITZER

Young men, what are you doing here?

The “young men” in question are none other than JACK KELLY and RACETRACK HIGGINS. The former has dirt on his cheek, a leaf in his hair, and a grin on his face. The latter has a cigar in his pocket and a back hunched over so much it is impossible to see his face. The camera quickly abandons Pulitzer, the boys being more interesting, and we get a large grin from Jack and an aggressive wave from Race.

**2 JACK AND RACE TALKING HEAD - DAY**

JACK

Yeah, I don’t know why the fuck they wanted to do somethin’ on our school.

Race nods his head furiously. Jack continues.

JACK

I mean, sure, we’s got the “best grades” around, but I mean, we live in New York. C’mon. Our grammar ain’t worth shit.

RACE

Yeah, and plus, you know Pulitzer does that-

Jack hits Race in the stomach and gives him a death glare. 

JACK

(whispered)

What, ya wanna get suspended for even longer?

The boom mic can be seen getting lowered into camera view in an attempt to catch the private conversation.

RACE

(whispered)

Pssh, fine.

Jack stands straight up, satisfied. Unfortunately, his head hits the boom mic and Jack punches it out of fear. The mic goes flying across the hall, and skids to a stop in front of another student. The student pauses, shrugs, then continues walking.

JACK

(muffled)

Uh... I don’t gotta pay for that, right?

  
  


**3 MAIN OFFICE - DAY**

PULITZER

(to the camera)

Perfect! These two hooligans got themselves into trouble again, so now you’ll be able to see what my job is really all about. Reprimanding.

The principal looks far too gleeful.

RACE

Ya know we can hear ya talkin’ to those guys, right?  
  


Pulitzer frowns at him, then waves his hand nonchalantly. 

PULITZER

Just -- come into my office you two.

The boys walk in, and the camera gets a glimpse of each of them as they face their doom.

RACE

(whispered)

Hi, Ma!

Jack gives a thumbs up.

  
  


**4 PULITZER’S OFFICE - DAY**

Pulitzer seats himself at his desk, eyes nervously flickering to the camera, and the boys sit on the couch, unbothered.

PULITZER

What trouble did you two get yourself into this time?

JACK

Well we--

RACE

It wasn’t even our faults--

They start rambling, talking over each other in their need to tell the story.

PULITZER

Stop, stop, stop. Race, you go first.

Race gives what one might call a “shit eating grin” before beginning.

RACE

Well, first of all, I don’t even know why Jack and I are the ones in the office. Oscar n’ Morris started it!

JACK

Yeah, they were bein’ asses to the new kid. Which, I don’t know why they’d do that. The guy seems so nice. And pretty. And smart…

Jack gets a faraway look in his eye, and never gets to his point. (Though perhaps, talking about the “new kid” was all he planned to do.) Pulitzer makes an eyebrow at the camera, while Race simply pats his friend on the back.

PULITZER

Just -- walk me through everything. 

**5 OUTSIDE - EARLIER THAT DAY**

The kid in question, DAVID JACOBS, is minding his business with his younger brother, LES JACOBS, and his sister, SARAH JACOBS. Sarah and David are standing in front of their mother’s car window, talking to their younger brother who is still inside. 

SARAH

Les, we’ll only be gone for the day. 

DAVID

Yeah, and I’m sure you’re gonna make a lot of new friends at school, okay?

LES

But if I don’t have my two bodyguards, everyone will attack me!

Let it be noted that Les sounds genuinely concerned about this fact.

DAVID

Dude, we didn’t go to the same school back home. No one attacked you there.

LES

Well, I knew everyone there. Also I made friends with Julie. Everyone’s scared of her, so they were scared of me. I have no Julie here! What am I gonna do without a Julie!

MRS. JACOBS leans over to speak to her two older children. 

MRS. JACOBS

You two are gonna be late, you’ll wanna get to class.

MRS. JACOBS

(to Les)

Sweetie, no one’s going to beat you up. Because if they do, I’ll beat _them_ up.

David and Sarah cast nervous glances at each other.

SARAH

Mom, you’re joking right?

A beat.

MRS. JACOBS

If it’ll make you feel better, then yes.

David looks frightened. Sarah looks impressed. Les does not care.

DAVID

We’ll see you when we get home, okay?

LES

(muttered)

Unless I die.

SARAH

See you around, champ. Love you.

Sarah ruffles his hair, and David gives him a kiss on the forehead. They back up, and Mrs. Jacobs drives off.

SARAH

Well, we gotta stick together okay? Don’t abandon me--

Sarah pauses. Something (or some _one)_ else has caught her eye. The camera zooms in on a redhead girl, talking to someone else.

SARAH

Oh, hot girl. See ya, Dave!

And she’s gone.

DAVID

(to himself, sarcastic)

Nice.

David walks along the sidewalk, hands hanging on his backpack straps. Some might call this a “dorky move”, but David has never cared for such words.

Further ahead, we can see two teenagers, MORRIS AND OSCAR DELANCEY. As David passes them, the two notably stare at his ~~ass~~ butt. David is unaware, but the brothers start trailing behind him. Soon, one of them yanks David’s backpack, causing him to stumble.

MORRIS

Hey, dumbass, who are you?

OSCAR

Yeah, we ain’t never seen you around here.

DAVID

(scoffs)

I wasn’t aware we were in Mean Girls. What are you gonna do, steal my milk money?

Perhaps David shouldn't have said this, but he must have been feeling irritated after the events with Les. Nevertheless, it was not the right thing to say.

SMACK! Oscar gives a punch to David’s right side, and Morris tackles him to the ground. It seems like it would be an unfair fight, but it turns out David can hold his own. The three scuffle for a few minutes, but David is able to stand up and away. 

DAVID

What the hell? Don’t try anything with me again.

All seems calm; the brothers look ready to admit defeat. Suddenly, Race comes flying like a bat out of hell and jumps on Oscar’s back. The fight starts again! Jack soon joins, and now it’s two verses two while David stands to the side.

JACK

(yelling, to David)

Don’t worry, we got’cha!

**6 DAVID TALKING HEAD - DAY**

DAVID

Yeah, I don’t know who the hell those guys are.

DAVID  
(to the producer)

Who are you people, again?

**7 PULITZER’S OFFICE - DAY**

PULITZER

You mean to tell me that you “saved” this boy, David Jacobs?

Jack puffs out his chest heroically.

JACK

That’s right!

RACE

We got those stinky Delancey brothers!

The two high-five. Hannah looks disapprovingly at them.

PULITZER

I’m sorry, “stinky”?

RACE

(unabashedly)

Yeah, that’s right, you heard me.

**8 RACE TALKING HEAD - DAY**

RACE

I hate those Delancey brothers. Ever since they stole my Goldfish in 2nd grade, we’ve been mortal enemies.

**9 OSCAR AND MORRIS TALKING HEAD - DAY**

MORRIS

Wait, what’s that guy’s name, again?

OSCAR  
(to Morris)

I think he goes by “Running”, or something.

MORRIS  
Oh, yeah.

**10 PULITZER’S OFFICE - DAY**

PULITZER

Well, I know Oscar and Morris, I’ve known them since they were tykes.

Pulitzer chuckles, as if he didn’t just embarrass himself by using a word no one has spoken in 122 years.

PULITZER

I highly doubt they would have done anything like this, so I asked Hannah to bring them in.

Hannah opens the door, and walks the two brothers. Mysteriously, all signs of fight have disappeared. 

MORRIS

Heya, Pulitzer, how goes it?

PULITZER

It goes very well, thank you for asking. Now, tell me boys, did these two young men attack you unprompted?

OSCAR

Yup.

A beat.

PULITZER

Well, I believe them! Jack? Race? Detention for a month. We do not tolerate lying here.

PULITZER

(to the camera)

And that’s how it’s done at New York World High!

THE END

**Author's Note:**

> thank you for reading!


End file.
